Nine By Design 19

Alright folks, we've come to the end of yet another week.  I'd like to take a minute and welcome the new readers I've gained recently.  I thank you, it makes doing a blog much easier when you know someone is actually reading the nonsense you write.  If you're a first time visitor or long time listener, but first time caller...click on the follow button on either Blogger or Networked Blogs (to follow on Facebook).  My psyche could use the boost.

This week's list will focus on music videos.  But, wait, you've already done a Nine By Design on Music Videos and I did, here.  The difference is, those were GOOD videos, these will be bad, horrible, disgusting videos.  Sometimes you get the double bonus of bad song and video...okay, I'll be honest, Most of the time you get the double bonus.  It's not really about the artist or the song, it's "how in the world were these the best pitches for the video?"  Warning: Watch At Your Own Risk!

Bad Music Videos:

"Popcorn Love" by New Edition is a perfect example of "I know we don't have a lot of money, but I'm going to try every effect I can get my hands on."  Is it me or do boy bands do police lineups on purpose?  It's almost like a yearbook, where you have; Most likely to have a successful solo career and Most likely to commit a crime.  "That one there officer, that Bobby Brown, he did it."  "Are you sure?"  "Yes, sir, he did his prerogative all over, my every little step and he was very cruel!"  I should be shot for that last line or applauded, the jury's still out on this one. 

"Screaming In The Night" by Krokus is a band from Switzerland, need I say more?  There's a part in this video where the singer looks totally confused.  I say join the club.  Nobody, knows what's going on in this video.  It's actually a decent song, but the video ruins it for me with it's ridiculousness (not sure if that's a word).  Believe it or not, this band is still going strong in Switzerland, after 35 years.  Then again, A-Ha didn't officially retire until 2010 in Norway.

"Freight Train" by Nitro has always made me laugh.  It's so over the top.  How many metal cliches can we get into one video?  We have a singer that can break wine glasses with his voice.  Which is actually true.  Jim Gillette, who is married to Lita Ford, has been known to shatter glass.  One of his vocal students showed how to do it on an episode of Mythbusters.  We have a guitar player that not only plays a double neck guitar, but a quad neck guitar.  That's not the funny part, he plays so fast that even other shred guitarists go, "Really?"

"Everything Your Heart Desires" by Hall & Oates is a tough video to watch for a couple of reasons.  It was pretty much the end of their grip on the charts.  You can tell this by their hair.  So, this song is not very strong.  I actually like a lot of their stuff, but it's the earlier stuff, mostly.  The way this was filmed messes with my eyes.  I'm not sure if my eyes actually focus the entire video.  They tell me their going on strike and refuse to work if I watch this video again. 

We haven't even gotten started yet.  All this is an appetizer or appetite suppressant.  Get ready for the good stuff.

"Rock Me Tonite" by Billy Squier is the standard to which all bad videos are held to.  It pains me to write that, because I really like Squier.  He's the most sampled man in music.  There would be no rap without his song, "The Big Beat"  (Click on the down arrow where it says, "Was sampled").  See how I'm trying to get you away from this horrible, career killing video of his.  He's dancing, wearing torn t-shirts and writhing all over the floor...for what reason?  Remember, video is the great equalizer.  The whole band is just...ugh. 

"Strokin'" by Clarence Carter is almost indescribable.  The song is easily one of a kind, thankfully.  Carter is blind, so he never had to see the video.  I think that explains a lot actually.  It didn't matter what was in it to him.  The thing that really gets me is, this is a video from the 90's.  You'd think it would be better.  I know, consider the song.  Touche.

"Pump Up The Jam" by Technotronic is not a music video that should be watched if you are prone to seizures.  It's not a bad song, by any means.  It tells you what it's trying to do, which is pumping up the jam.  I think it successfully does that.  I get happy when this video comes on VH-1.  I love the dude dancing in the background, he just makes me laugh.  The singer seems to be hot, but you can't really tell, because the camera doesn't focus on her long enough.  Maybe she's a Monet, like Cher said in Clueless.  

"Lets' Go All The Way" by Sly Fox really has it all.  Great dancing, lyrics, effects and singing.  Okay, you can call BS...it's allowed.  It's a song that took me over an hour to remember, because I couldn't not include it.  It's also a song that will be stuck in my head for the foreseeable future.  It's catchy, that may be the only thing it is, but it's catchy like the flu. 

I've been asked before if the aforementioned, "Rock Me Tonite" is the worst video ever.  It's close, but I have found a successor.

"I Want To Love You Tender" by Danny and Armi is beyond words.  Let's hear it for the Finnish to make me speechless.  They do a "Soul Train Line," there's a toaster that's supposed to be a boom box, I think.  This video is from the late 70's and it really takes the cake, the ice cream, the plates and the silverware.  Someone described it as if, "ABBA took a bunch of mushrooms."  Which is a pretty good description in my book.

Yes, there are many bad, horrible videos out there that will haunt you for the rest of your life, but I try to be a little different with my choices and show you ones you might not have seen before.  I bid you all adieu for this week.  Cheers, Happy Weekend!  Hopefully, for those of us in New England, the snow will stop sooner than later.