Thursday, September 9, 2010

Deus Ex Machina


The National Football League is often called the NO FUN LEAGUE.  This is mainly due to them levying fines on players, teams and various other people involved with the league due to anything from conduct (no problem here) to dress code (you mean I can't wear a bandana, under my helmet?).  They are the most strict governing body in major American sports, IMO.  The expert talking heads that "analyze" and tell you what the teams are thinking, take themselves way too seriously.  I remember a couple of years ago when Tom Jackson from ESPN made the statement, "The Patriots hate their coach."  Aren't these guys on a national show supposed to be...I don't know...Objective.  Not have a dog in the fight?  Remove your personal feelings from your analysis?  So, if they can't do it, who can?  I know....THIS GUY...thumbs pointing at himself, or for you the reader, at your screen.

I have a crack staff of dedicated researchers that have spent minutes and when pushed and promised sugary treats, hours...on the analysis of the league of national football, I'm about to present to you.  We here at, For Lack of a Better Title, do not promote betting and honestly, if you use any of this info for that need some serious help, but if you do and happen to win a sum of "fictional" money...we want a cut.  I'd say at least 75%, since we did all the work for you.  We can discuss it later...I'm very reasonable.  We'll go region by region and if you don't believe any of my excellent info, I can prove it on an Etch-A-Sketch.  I believe it was Nietzsche who said, "Let's get this party started."

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys:  Wade Phillips will be able to keep his job provided he keeps washing Jerry's car every week and they win some football games.  Wade is one of those coaches that has a good team, but could lose his job, because Jerry Jones wakes up with a stiff neck.  Notable game:  Will be their home game against the Saints, which they will win.  Mark it down.  Overall Predicted Record: 11-5 (Playoff spot)

New York Giants:  They are the team that New York forgot, as everyone is focusing on the J-E-T-S.  They have the third best Manning to ever play in the NFL.  Yes, Eli has a Super Bowl ring, but Archie was a better QB...I think we all know that.  I can't name five guys on the team, but they some how get it done.  Notable game:  Will be the 2nd game of the season against the Colts.  They will lose the game, but Eli will prevent Peyton from giving him a wedgie, only to fall victim to a wet willie.  OPR: 11-5 (Playoff Spot)

Washington Redskins:  Yes, they have Donovan McNabb and Mike Shanahan, but McNabb was traded within the division.  So, that means the Eagles, who traded him, aren't worried about him.  Tough call here really, he'll improve the Redskins from 5-11, but they'll just miss the playoffs.  Notable game:  Will be when they play the Eagles, both times.  McNabb will play defense for a couple of series, so he can pull out all the old school wrestling moves he knows.  Dropping elbows, knees and the deadly, but effective "Worm" on Kevin Kolb.  OPR: 10-6 (Just miss)

Philadelphia Eagles:  Oh man, where do I start?  Kevin Kolb could be like Aaron Rodgers of Green Bay, "the star in waiting," but I wouldn't hold my breath.  I think they are in for a long season, with Kolb running around a lot screaming, "Mommy!"  Notable game:  Will be one of their few wins, an upset at home over the GiantsOPR: 3-13 (Are you kidding?)

AFC East

New York Jets:  You heard it here first, the Jets will go 0-84.  They will not only lose all of their league games, but will lose to the Miami Sharks, Boston University Terriers and the high school team, Ampipe.  The "Sanchize" will throw a late interception to Stefen Djordjevic of Ampipe.  Rex Ryan thought just playing the regular schedule would be too easy, so he scheduled every team he could think of real or otherwise.  Notable game:  Will be the home game against the Patriots, when Rex gets to try out his sniper towers to eliminate any "looky-loos" on the Pats sideline.  OPR: 12-4 (Playoff spot)

New England Patriots:   Bill Belichick is like Chuck Norris and The Most Interesting Man in the World combined.  He's never wrong.  He's just letting Rex Ryan think he's got the best team.  He has hidden jewels all over his team, but they are so hidden, they can't be recognized yet.  The long run of the Patriots is just about over.  Moss is complaining, Welker is coming off the knee injury and Brady doesn't have a new contract yet (as of this writing).  Belichick is running out of smoke and mirrors, but will have just enough this year.  Notable game:  Will be against the Steelers, when a distracted Brady has a horrible game, because Ben Roethlisberger was seen talking to Giselle, Brady's sisters and his mom, before the game.  OPR: 10-6 (playoff spot)

Miami Dophins:  The other team in Miami, other than the Heat.  They will show improvement over last season, but that isn't that hard.  Other than that, nobody really cares...They don't have a coach with the big personality of Ryan nor the evil genius that is, Bellichick.  They also aren't the yearly mess that is Buffalo, but we'll get to them in a minute.  They are just there...scraping and scratching in the AFC East.  Notable game:  They will upset both the Pats and Jets at home, early in the season, that will be their season.  OPR: 8-8 (Thanks for playing)

Buffalo Bills:  This is the team my old boss would root for every year.  He was more successful than this franchise has been the past 10 yrs.  They try to build a team, but it never seems to work out for them.  They drafted CJ Spiller, who I think is going to be a really good running back, but I think he'd be more interesting if his name was OJ Spiller.  That's about all I think about the BillsNotable game:  Will be the one against the Bears in Canada.  Who wins here?  Not the Canadians...the Bills and Bears, thanks.  So, nobody will win this game, they will tie.  OPR:  4-11-1 (Ummm...Nope)

NFC North 

 Minnesota Vikings:  I don't know if you've heard out there in readerland and I don't know if I'm breaking any rules in media world, but I think Brett Favre is coming back.  Holy Crap, this better be his last season.  Another summer focused on that guy.  Who does he think he is, Darrelle Revis?  They have a good team, but they already have injury questions.  I guess we'll see, just like everything.  Notable game:  After a pretty good start, they run into the Jets on the road.  This should tell the Vikes where they stand.  OPR: 12-4 (Playoff spot)

Green Bay Packers:  A lot of people are picking them for the Super Bowl, along with this year being Aaron Rodgers year to solidify his so-called greatness.  He could be everyone's top QB in fantasy world, but without a championship, it's all he is.  It's put up or shut up's football, not rocket surgery.  Alright, enough with the cliches.  Notable game:  A win on the road in New England to show the league they have arrived to stay.   OPR: 12-4 (Playoff spot)

Detroit Lions:  The Lions are no longer the kid that gets stuffed in the locker.  They might get a swirlie every once in a while, but there's an understanding now.  They aren't the worst anymore...they still aren't good, hell they aren't even mediocre.  They are the team you don't want to lose to.  Notable game:  Will be an upset win over Washington at home to dash their playoff hopes.  OPR:  5-11 (If the record was reversed)

Chicago Bears:  A team that would be best served if they could just skip the season.  No harm, no foul...just pack it in.  I bet Jay Cutler wishes he was still in DenverNotable game:  After a win against Detroit in the first game of the season, it'll all be down hill.  OPR:  4-11-1 (Same team that tied the Bills)

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens:  They are still the team to beat in the North.  I know the Bengals have improved, by bringing in T.O., but to quote Omar Little, "You come at the king, you best not miss."  The Ravens still have that swagger, just a notch above everyone else.  Notable game:  They smack around Miami when the fish come for a visit.  OPR: 10-6 (Playoff spot)

Cincinnati Bengals:  Well this should be entertaining.  They have two players that could literally have a fist fight on the field over who has the biggest ego.  It's not about how many points the Bengals will score in the season, but how much money will OchoCinco and T.O. be fined collectively for teaming up on TD celebrations.  You know it's going to happen, because neither one of them can be out of the spotlight for 10 seconds.  Notable game:  The first game of the season, a loss against the Patriots will end up taking them out of the playoff picture.  OPR: 10-6 (It's not my fault, it's his)

Pittsburgh Steelers:  Where to begin?  Their only legitimate quarterback is suspended for the first quarter of the season for being naughty.  Count your blessings he's not in jail Steeler fans.  Then the backup gets hurt, so now they're dealing with the third stringer, Willie Beamon.  So, Jamie Foxx will run all over the field for the first four games and then they'll put, Dennis Quaid in...I mean Big Ben, to save the season...Survey Says...XXX  I just want to see someone take Troy Polynomial down by his hair, just once.  That would be awesome.  Notable game:  A win in Baltimore still won't get them in, too little too late.  OPR: 9-7 (It's Ben's fault...Easy)

Cleveland Browns:  I've found it very difficult to do the teams that are usually bad.  It's like having a friend that just got dumped and you see his ex-girlfriend already out with someone else and that someone else is your friend's brother, but your friend doesn't know yet and thinks there's still a chance they'll get back together.  Now you have to tell him.  That's the Browns to me...make sense?  Didn't think so...Notable game:  On a happier note, Cleveland will be 1-1 after two games, with a victory over KCOPR: 2-14 (Suicide watch)

NFC South

New Orleans Saints:  The defending champions aren't getting much respect.  I don't understand why, they play in an easy division.  They should be able walk through the season, barring injuries of course.  Great quarterback, good coach and a ton of talent.  The only annoying thing about them is that "Who Dat?" chant.  I find Drew Brees a hard person to dislike.  Reggie Bush is a different story.  Notable game:  One blip on the screen for the Saints will be a loss in DallasOPR:  14-2 (Out of control, yes...Playoff spot)

Atlanta Falcons:  Matt Ryan tries to get back to where he was, after last year's tumble.  They will improve, but it just won't be enough.  Which I'm actually fine with, because we don't need the "Dirty Bird" back in the league anytime soon.  Sorry Falcons fans...maybe next year.  Although, my fantasy team hopes Michael Turner runs for 3,000 yds.  Notable game:  Big win of the season will be against the up and coming 49ersOPR: 10-6 (Whoops)

Carolina Panthers:  It's a changing of the guard in the Carolinas.  Jake Delhomme is no longer home...I know it was horrible, what do you want from me?  Do you see how many words I'm writing here?  I just don't think they have what it takes to be a good team.  They will lose the close ones and the not so close ones.  Notable game:  None really, they will sweep Tampa about that?  OPR:  5-11 (If we change the rules they'll get in)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:  Tampa, Tampa, Tampa...what are we going to do with you?  Coach Raheem Morris almost got fired last year, but he made it through to the end and got to come back.  He's going to start the season 2-1 going into the Bye at week 4.  The Bucs will sign him to a contract extension and then the ship will fall apart.  He seems like a good I wanted him to get paid, because he'll be fired before the end of the season.  Sorry, dude...I hope I'm wrong...let's face it...I probably am.  Notable game:  Week 3 victory over Pittsburgh.  OPR: 3-13 (Our house is burning down)

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts:  I'm not sure how Peyton Manning became, Mr. Commercial.  He's everywhere or has been for the past couple of years.  Most spots have been pretty funny.  The competition between Manning and Brady is always going on, even when the TV is off.  Both have been on Saturday Night Live and both were very funny, but Peyton's sketch/fake commercial for the Big Brother program is the best.  So, Brady has more rings, Giselle and is better looking, but Manning is funnier, in more commercials and...forget can't beat Giselle...sorry Peyton.  Notable game:  Houston catches them by surprise on the road opening weekend.  OPR:  13-3 (Playoff spot)

Tennessee  Titans:  Vince Young has pulled his head out of his rear end and played well last year.  I think he's proven that he was the better player over Matt Leinart.  The Titans will be a sleeper pick.  I think they will play spoiler for a few teams and will sneak into the playoffs.  Notable game:  Taking out Miami on the road.  OPR: 10-6 (Playoff spot)

 Houston Texans:  They are the "almost" team.  They will almost make an improvement this season.  Matt Schaub is almost a star.  They will almost make the playoffs, well, not really.  Since they've come into the league in the 2002 season, I've hoped they'd do well.  It just never really happens.  All because, I like their logo.  They are getting better.  Matt Schaub is way better than David they are going in the right direction, but just aren't there.  Notable game:  A late season win on the road in Denver, just won't be enough to get them into the playoffs.  OPR:  9-7 (So close)

Jacksonville Jaguars:  I'd personally rather play in Cleveland than Jacksonville, FL.  At least the fans in Ohio are passionate.  No offense Disney corporation, I love the mouse.  Other than Maurice Jones-Drew and sometimes David Garrard, do they really have any players?  Drew needs to get himself out of town and on a good team before he gets too old or hurt.  Notable game:  They beat the Eagles, but so does everyone.  OPR:  4-12 (Ugh..)

NFC West

San Francisco 49ers:  Is this the season that Alex Smith grows up?  Mike Singletary sure hopes so.  Vernon Davis, Frank Gore and Patrick Willis are all very good young players.  If they can all manage to stay healthy, this team could be very scary.  It would be nice if the Niners came back into prominence.  At least, they aren't the guys from across the Bay.  Notable game:  Will start a nice winning streak in Philly, that will end in Green BayOPR:  11-5 (Playoff spot)

Arizona Cardinals:  They have switched places with the Niners.  Who is the QB?  I know his last name is Anderson and he played for a time in Cleveland.  He got out of Cleveland at least, he's got that going for him.  No more "Super" Kurt Warner and Anquan Boldin.  Their RB is up in the air, so it's going on the shoulders of Larry Fitzgerald.  As good as he is, he can't throw the ball to himself.  The team is going backwards, never a good thing.  Notable game:  Opening weekend loss to St. LouisOPR:  8-8 (Mediocre)

St. Louis Rams:   They are going the path of Peyton Manning and Troy Aikman, by letting the rookie start.  It took some time, but it worked for both the Colts and Cowboys.  Sam Bradford will do some bad things, some good things and possibly, some great things this season.  As long as the fan base knows it will be bumpy, it shouldn't be so bad.  The team is paying him the money, let him earn it.  Notable game:  Late season upset of San Francisco at home.  OPR:  7-9 (Try next year)

Seattle Seahawks:  You guys have Pete Carroll as your coach, but it's not college.  He left the USC  program in shambles, how much worse could he do here?  He got rid of TJ Who'sYoMomma (Housmanzdadeh) and he traded for his guy LenDale White, only to cut him later, but White got he was a prophet.  There are way too many question marks up in the Great Wet North.  Notable game:  Ending the season on an up-note, with an upset of St. LouisOPR:  3-13 (Gaak!!)

AFC West

San Diego Chargers:  Another team that has always seemed like it has a lot of talent, but never really goes anywhere.  Phil Rivers, can I call you Phil?  Thanks...Phil Rivers sounds like a local morning show host in Dubuque, IA.  Anyways, Rivers is a second tier quarterback, he's good, just not great...yet.  He's shown flashes of greatness, but Eli Manning he's not...kidding.  I still like when they bring back the powder blue uniforms for a game or two each year.  Go Lance Alworth!  Notable game:  Losses to New England and Indy, still prove the Chargers are a step behind.  OPR:  10-6 (Playoff spot)

Denver Broncos:  The only quarterback you heard about as much as Farva, (I know that's not how you spell his name, but if you get the reference, you'll get one platinum star) was Tim Tebow.  I know Josh McDaniels is hoping to catch lightning in a bottle, but you don't pick experiments in the first round.  Notable game:  Big win late in the season in ArizonaOPR:  8-8 (Not quite)

Oakland Raiders and Kansas City Chiefs:  I will combine them, because if you've been kind enough to read this entire don't need to get depressed and I'm really tired.  Both teams aren't good...the Raiders are hoping to finish with a good enough record to not give the Patriots another high pick, since they own their first round pick.  The Chefs...would be great if they worked in a restaurant.  No Notable games and both OPR's:  3-13 (Give me a break) 

Super Bowl Prediction:  New Orleans over Baltimore 

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