Nine By Design 38

Alrighty folks...I'm a little punch drunk right now.  My 2 week old daughter has been kicking my ass since 6AM.  I've finally gotten her down for what is hopefully a nice long nap.  The tranquilizers took effect almost immediately (kidding, maybe not).  She gave me today's topic though.  The 9 Do's and Don't's of dealing with a crying baby.  So without further ado, we'll get this going, because she might wake up.

9 Do's and Don't's Of A Crying Baby:

Do: Stay Calm.  The baby is freaking out, he/she doesn't need you to freak out as well.  It will serve both of well if you can stay calm.

Don't: Throw the baby out of the window.  You might want to, but that's why you need to stay cool, calm and collected.  

Do: Check the diaper.  It might be something as easy as that.  It'll take you two minutes and the baby calms down.

Don't: Scream "Oh My God!  What Have You Been Eating!"  It can be a frightening scene, maybe you should think about what you're feeding the child.

Do: Feed the Baby.  They might just be hungry.  I can get pretty cranky when I haven't eaten in a while.

Don't: Feed the Baby beer.  They already act like a drunk as it is.  They have trouble walking, you can't understand what they are trying to say and they throw up at random times for what seems like no reason.

Do: Distract the Baby.  Maybe use a toy or tickle them.  Anything to get them to forget they are crying and are upset.

Don't: Use Nude pictures.  You may like the nude pictures that you are showing your baby, but it's really going to be lost on them.  A buxom blonde, looks like lunch to them.

Do: Try to hold them differently.  A subtle change from over the shoulder to the cradle technique, might make a world of difference.

Don't: Hold them like luggage.  Those are arms and legs, not handles.  They are a baby, not a carry on.

Do: Sing or hum to them.  In my case, she likes when I do a death metal voice.  Sort of like James Hetfield's singing voice, when Jim Breuer imitates him, but not good.  I will not turn pro.

Don't: Play them Peter Frampton songs (my daughter hates him).  You could probably throw in Barry Manilow and Lady Ga Ga, although I did call my daughter, "Lady Goo Goo."  (Not really, just thought it was a funny joke)

Do: Rock or Bounce the baby.  Its soothing and different from the normal.

Don't: Shake the baby, they aren't martini's.  Don't even stir them.

Do: Dance with your baby.  They will enjoy the movement and can laugh at you, since no one is really a good dancer.

Don't: Break dance or End Zone dance with the baby.  They are not impressed by you "popping and locking" or your "worm."  Also, spiking the baby is good for nobody.

Do: Pacify the baby.  Sometimes they just need to suck on something (Get you minds out of the gutter) and aren't hungry.

Don't: Use cigarettes.  They don't understand the concept of inhaling and will just get them all soggy.  A waste of smokes in my opinion.

There you go.  My expert ways to soothe your crying baby.  Please do exactly what I say.  I've been a parent for 2 entire weeks.  I know it all.  I knew it all last week.  Cheers, Happy Weekend!  See you next week.

You should all know I'm kidding about harming a child.  I would never hurt my baby.  Yours, maybe, but not mine.  Smile...it's the weekend.